Initial interview – new client

I’m here to conduct your life interview

Mom what the hell are you talking about?

Who is this mom person? My name is Mrs. Flatulence

So that’s what stinks…

I’m sorry?

Nevermind. What do you want?

Like I said, I’m your life interviewer. Question one – do you have a 5 day goal?

Go to work, get paid, die.

That’s a terrible plan sir! I was thinking more along the lines of things you want to accomplish?

I want to be left alone.

I’m sorry sir but there are 7.6 billion people on this planet.

Yeah? Well why don’t you get out of my room and go ask dad what my life should be?

Dad? Is he the executer of your freewill? He’s not on my list.

We’re done talking!

Yes, well…let’s move on to the listening part of the interview then.  Our company files do not have any accurate numbers for you so we had to extrapolate a bit…sorry about that.  We have a lovely pie chart here…mmmm pie.

Your education section seems to be incomplete. We will have to run multiple programs then. Hang on…I need to re-calculate.

Scenario #1 – You continue this path you’re on and cross-border relations become too strained to support life. WW7 ensues.  That just won’t do as there are too many casualties on both sides as well as innocent bystanders getting all blown to pieces.

Scenario #2 – You find an ally to cohabitate with. This will require actual budgeting (sorry about that) to figure out what is reasonable to expect for expenses in this endeavour.  You also begin to look for a more lucrative form of employment (preferably one that won’t include jail time) and also look to move up the ladder in your current workplace if you so choose. That would mean evaluating the types or work you might enjoy. Apologies sir but I just don’t see a way around this ‘working things out’ deal.

Scenario #3 – Stay in current domicile and finish degree in order to qualify for new types of employment opportunities not currently open to you.  This will require patience and meditation and leaving your ‘apartment’ on a regular basis to see if the world has changed and to smell flowers instead of farts. This scenario will eventually lead to the beginning of a life.

Scenario #4 – Lotto tickets. No, that one isn’t feasible as I’ve been buying tickets since 1989 and have yet to win more than a free ticket.

All of these scenarios require some form of goal setting and planning.  Although #1 seems to be the anti-plan option…I don’t recommend that one at all but I am required to inform you of all current and future options. We have a great referral company called ‘MOMCO” that can help with all your goal setting and budgeting needs if you wish. They have great spreadsheets and links to help.  They can operate in person or by mail; whichever you prefer.

Here are some more charts:

We hope you’ve enjoyed this presentation. Please contact our office at your earliest convenience.